Baily was excited to start school even though she tries to put on an act that she's not. I know she will miss the lazy dog days of summer but she is so smart and creative and she really needs that outlet of school. I have a feeling the increased workload of homework this year will be a challenge with her, but I know she'll be a wonderful student as always at school. Unfortunately, one of her best friends from her class last year is not in her class again this year. I'm hoping she finds some more good friends again this year in her class. How I love that sweet girl of mine.
Joaquin was excited. He is a good student and he enjoys learning. He's not a fan of homework or schoolwork quite frankly, but he loves learning. He's got such a creative mind. He is not very social and not a fan of playing outside for hours like my other two. He spent most of his summer days inside playing video games and watching tv. This would normally not be ok with me, but his redeeming factor is that he would break up his screen time with bouts of creativity. He has been working on creating Spiderman web shooters. I mean really working. He has been contemplating all the details and dynamics, drawing up blueprints, making prototypes. He even has a goal of finishing a working one by the end of next summer. I cannot tell you how much I love this about him. He loves to create with Legos and draw. I love it so much. My hope for him this school year is that his creativity will continue to be fostered and that his world will still be magical to him. My sweet Monkey Bread.
Then there's me. I'm not even sure where to begin. Anyone who's known me for more than a year can say that I've changed. Most don't know to what extent and curious, heartbroken, worried, or happy for me. I have not been trying to be elusive or mysterious though I'm sure that to some that's what it may seem. I'm just simply trying to figure things out. Who I really am, who I want to be. Some may call my changing an acting out of sorts... a rebellious phase. Some might call it a midlife crisis. Some may say that I've let the devil take over. Whatever it is, I have changed. I'm still me... but different. I'm not sure how to explain it. I have been allowing the me I've been suppressing for so long to come out. I'm allowing my mind to think outside the box I've fought so hard to believe is necessary.
I work as a CNA at a nursing home. Although I've only been at my current job for a couple of months, I've been working in this field off and on for many years. One thing I've come to realize with certainty, is that life is so short. Way too short. I've held the hands of a few who have passed from this life, and been there for many more who passed quietly on. I can't help but wonder as I try to offer comfort during those final moments, what thoughts are going through their minds, what memories they are latching on to. I wonder what regrets they harrow over and what accomplishments they delight in. It's almost an impulse to turn my thoughts inward and think about what will occupy my mind in those last moments. It's like a time of self evaluation. There are definitely some accomplishments I'm proud of. Mostly that of being a mother to 3 beautiful children who are growing and thriving and healthy. But at the same time, there is guilt that I have not been a good enough mother to them, that I have failed them. I suppose that is very common for all parents unfortunately. But even so, I still feel like I'm a good mom and I know undoubtedly that I love them and will do all I can to provide them happiness, growth and security.
I'm not sure if these moments of self reflection were my "trigger" for changing. There were some certain moments I can tag down that I know were "triggers." But at the risk of exposing others for guiltless actions, I won't share those moments. But regardless of said triggers, here I am. I am questioning a life I have devoted almost completely to living of a certain faith and religion. I am questioning a relationship and marriage I have been in for over 13 years.
This is so hard for me to come out and say. I know there has been speculation and curiosity and heartbreak. It's such an interesting time for me. I hurt that who I am and this time of self discovery for me hurts others and causes them to worry about me and my family. I am not upset about these broken hearts because I get it. If it was me a year ago, and one of my beloved family members or friends told me they were questioning the church or contemplating ending an eternal family, I would be devastated and heart broken. So I hurt because I know what they are feeling. But from my perspective, I wish they could feel the sincerity in my quest and changing and know it is not an act of rebellion or midlife crisis. I have been genuine and contemplated very long about the changes I have made. I have not gone crazy or gone out on a whim to be wild.
I plan on writing in more detail about my own self discovery. It cannot be done in one post. And even though I will be honest about my journey, I will not expose my family or go into any specific details about any one but myself. So please don't ask. But this is my way of "coming out" if you will. No, I'm not coming out as a lesbian. But I'm coming out as me. Sarah. I will not live my life to please others and gain their approval on how they feel I need to live my life. I am not saying that I don't care about other people's opinions and won't consider the advice from loved friends and family. But I won't hide who I am and what I genuinely feel. As of right now, I have taken a step back from the LDS church. I am not to a point where I will deny that it's true. I will never deny the good things I felt while a faithful member. But I have felt those same good feelings from other sources while not in the church. I have been hesitant to share my affiliation with the church with new people I have met, not because I'm ashamed to have been a part of it, but because it is still so special to me and I am not open to bashing of the church or talking about all the anti-Mormon crap that is out there. I will always be so grateful for the values it has taught me. And I will always love those from my church family. I have no doubt that I will not be shunned or judged from my church family. I know they are better people than that and genuinely love and care for others.
I have agreed to having my children still go to church and will be supportive of their desires to continue in the faith. But it will never be forced on them. I hate that my changes cause confusion for them but I have been completely honest and up front with them about everything. I have not attempted to hide these changes with them. And I know they feel comfortable enough to ask me questions, because they have. And I'm so grateful for that open communication we share.
My love for my children and my desire to have a strong family for them does and will always remain my top priority. I'm not sure right now about how exactly our family will look in the future, but I feel confident that they will always have 2 parents who love them and will do anything to raise them to be happy and healthy. I can also say any decisions regarding our family dynamic has been and will be made with utmost thought and consideration as to what's best for all involved.
I know this is a lot to take in. And I am sorry I have not been able to reach out to each of those who love and care about me and have worried about me personally. But I felt I owed it to such wonderful people I have known and loved, to open up. I am not a big fan of speculation and rumors but I know I have not made it easy to do otherwise. So here it is. This is where I am right now. I am still the same as far as my desire to be a good mother, a good person... to share love and be kind and good. And even though I have a nose piercing, I want some tattoos now, I drink wine and coffee... I still love my kids fiercely. I still love nature and wonder in awe at it's beauty. I still want to be involved in family vacations. I love to laugh. I love kindness and goodness. I still love my family and friends fiercely. I'm happiest when I'm among loved ones.
I know this will hurt some people, and I understand that. But please know, I am healthy. I am happy and working hard to better myself. I am taking more time to enjoy each of life's precious moments. I feel more alive and more me than I've ever felt. I still love and respect everyone I did before. I just hope for the same in return. And hope that you will know that I am trying to live my life the best way I can and the best I can for my kids. Life is sooo short. Enjoy it. I know that's my plan.
